Season Three: The Office

It's taken awhile to get things rolling at Lampstand this season. But the quotes are starting to come back. First, allow me to introduce the Dramatis Personae:

Mom: Primary writer of Tapestry, President of Lampstand Press, and Our Lady of the Office.

Casey: Her personal executive assistant, who also manages her conferences and Tapestry conferences in general. New in this season's episodes, Casey is also being courted by David.

David: Graphics guru, Somerville, DJ, and provider of office goofiness. New in this season's episodes, David has brought a giant stuffed Alex the Lion (from Madagascar) into our lives, which is rendered doubly funny because David is a puppeteer. This summer, he is redesigning the Tapestry website and courting Casey. They are cute.

Nate: Returning for his third season as Captain of the warehouse, this Somerville provides a much-needed sense of stability. He is the source of cash, paychecks, medieval weapons, large theological tomes, and dry humor. New for this season, he is also known as Ralph (Grace's nickname).

Laura: Also returning for her third season as Proofer Extraordinaire, Laura may be the highest-paid member of the office. Her encyclopedic mind and sense of humor make a welcome addition to the Office.

Marjorie: the youngest Somerville is making her debut onscreen this summer, playing the petite and gorgeous blond secretary/receptionist at age fifteen. We expect her to make the big times.

Jay: This season of The Office also stars Jay Kim, the soft-spoken Asian artist of mad InDesign skills. Jay grows plants that soak of harmful electromagnetic waves from the computers, and is a full-fledged fun person. She also keeps pillows on her office chair.

Christy: You know me. I write Literature and Government, keep the Quote Book, and fetch lunches. :-)

Grace: In her second season with The Office, but debuting for the first time as a summer star, Grace is the beautiful and sassy brunette whose dry wit is exceeded only by her competence as the Bookstore Director. Any unfortunate connection between her name and the title of our curriculum (Tapestry of Grace) is accidental but lends itself to many chuckles. Grace specializes in firing people (especially Ralph, her boss) and music.

Abbi: For the first time, Abbi joins us as a note of quiet sweetness and expert backrubbing in this madhouse that we call our professional lives. Abbi's skills also include Shipping and beautiful handmade card collages.

Elijah: One step above the Minions, redheaded teen cadet Elijah joins the summer show by the skin of his teeth and by virtue of his talent for Office humor. Though he runs the copier in Minionland and periodically inquires whether he still has a job here, Elijah provides a much-needed target for affectionate abuse, and is growing in his ability to give back as good as he gets.

We'd like to kick off this season with our first Episode:

“Oh, sorry. There should be music playing.” – Nate to customer

“I think my gum is dying.” – Casey

“Just because you’re not twenty-one doesn’t mean that you can’t have drinks without alcohol in them!” – Casey

“I’m steeping. Never interrupt a girl when she’s steeping.” – Christy, grinning at Casey
“You sound like a tea bag.” – Casey, grinning back

“Right, Dave, you’re pure as the driven snow.” – Marjorie, with mild sarcasm
“Purer! Driven snow has dirt in it.” – David, indignantly

“You can call me Gandalf Stormcrow, bearer of ill news.” – Casey

“I want to be the favorite child! Pick me, pick me!” – Mommy, on three hours of sleep

“My tomato is missing.” – Laura

“Each courtship is unique and special. Ours just happens to be destructive.” – Casey, on her relationship with David.

“Why are you stroking my eyebrows?” – Christy to David

“He was stroking my eyebrows. I think it was sort of the equivalent of patting me on the head.” – Christy, explaining David’s actions to Casey

“Okay, I’m just going to duct-tape my mouth shut!” – Casey

“Marjorie stole Laura’s tomato!” – Mom

“’Being as that I flow in sorrow, the smallest twine may lead me.’” – Mom
“I am the smallest twine!” – Davy

“I am a lone reed.” – Mom

“I work with six women. I can handle thirteen or fourteen small children.” – Nate
::Laughter::
“Are you comparing us to small children? That’s, like, 2.5 children equals one of us!” – Christy

“Guys, get back to work.” – Mom, as all the office kids bend over the quote book.
“We are working. This is a history curriculum, and we’re chronicling our history.” – Davy
“And eating ice cream.” – Christy
“I’m doing graphic design on my ice cream cup.” – Davy
“You are all fired.” – Mom
Note to the uninitiated: we all fire one another on a regular basis. Grace has personally fired Nate [her boss] once or twice.

“Anybody want more nuts [for the ice cream]?” – Casey
“I have enough nuts! I’d like a few sane people.” – Mom

“Ah, he’s trying to soothe the savage Mom…” – Mom on Davy turning up the music
“No he’s not! He’s…. um…. Well, yes.” – Casey

Bonus track for the opening episode: How Does A Homeschooler Change A Light Bulb?

First, mom checks three books on electricity out of the library, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life.

Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles.

Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five dollar bill.

On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five dollar bill.

Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed.

And there is light.