The Great Goldfish War (and Other Items)

“God is so good to me! There’s been a really great movie coming out at Christmas, almost every year since I was about 18.” – Christy, delighted with the previews for National Treasure 2.
“Well, I guess that’s one way to measure it.” – Laura

“I love Buston. His scales are so cute. He has a little burbly mouth…” – Casey, on the office goldfish
“I’m going to tell David about this. He’ll be jealous.” – Christy, who does not love the office goldfish
“Oh, he knows. He likes Buston too.” – Casey

“I love creamer with coffee in it—I mean—coffee.” – Casey

Nathan has studied all things Germanic or Viking, and Christy has studied the history of the English language. Therefore the term wergeld (meaning the price paid to the family of a man whom one has killed) was able to occur spontaneously in the following conversation:
“Nate, I’m thinking of taking up fish-spearing.” – Christy
“Sounds good.” – Nate, absently.
“I thought I’d use Buston as my practice target.” – Christy, looking thoughtfully at the goldfish bowl
“I’ll sue you for a wergeld.” – Nate, calmly
“A wergeld is the price you pay for a man. This is a fish. You can’t charge me that much for a fish.” – Christy
“I thought the term referred to the death-price.” – Nate
“I’m pretty sure it refers specifically to a man’s death-price. Let’s talk about a fishgeld. Now, I can buy one of these at the fish store for about three or four bucks. How’s that?”
“No. There’s history here—sentimental value. You have to pay more than that.” – Nate
And the conversation went on…

Later, when Casey heard about it:
Casey: you may call me Casey, Friend of the Fish
Casey: if i catch you trying to harpoon my little suction lipped friend again
Casey: you will answer to the Friend of the Fish.
Casey: you will be de-harpooned
Casey: and your weapon may be used upon you.
Christy: Casey, Casey, Casey... it's such a simple thing, killing fish
Christy: It's a service to mankind
Casey: monster!
Christy: Fish are evil. They are cold-eyed, disease-lipped, scaly, swimming horrors! Their bones choke people. Their eyes discompose small children and send them screaming to their mothers. Their gaping maws are a breeding-ground for aquatic germs fatal to humans.
Christy: And they're so darn self-contained!
Christy: About the only thing to do with them is to kill them.
Casey: which makes them innocent and vunerable!
Casey: you should protect and cherish!
Casey: think of Buston's bubbly, horror-filled screams of anguish as you sadistically and purposelessly spear him with a bent paperclip.
Casey: does not your heart go out to his smiling, burbly, orange face?
Christy: Um, no
Christy: Not really
Casey: i say again.
Casey: MONSTER!
Casey: i'm calling the ASPCA and reporting you.
Casey: "yes... hi... we have an emergency...
Casey: co-worker is trying to stab cute company goldfish with a paperclip for no good reason."
Casey: "yes... yes, she does work in the Literature department..."
Casey: "a little too much Faust, you think? ah. me too."
Casey: turn to the light, Christy!
Christy: Why yes, I am. Minister Of Needed Sanitation Through Expedited fish Removal.... that's me. Card-carrying member
Casey: he is the cleanest creature there is!'
Casey: he lives in WATER for crying out loud!
Casey: add a little dish soap and there couldn't be a cleaner animal
Casey: you are ruthless.
Casey: it has consumed you.
Casey: thus, like Faustus' last chance to repent...
Casey: i offer you a hand into the light...
Casey: Buston says, "Burble burble, Christy."
Casey: can you resist that gape-mouthed face and those soulful, golden eyes?
Christy: The gape-mouthed face full of bacteria and the golden eyes that are so distinctly soul-less? Why yes, I can.
Casey: if he were a barracuda, he would bite your finger off, leaving your cruel, murdering paperclip useless
Casey: he dreams about being a barracuda.
Casey: will you stifle his dreams? have you no heart?
Christy: Nope, none. Except I decided that his fins are kinda symmetrical and artistic, so I told Nate I wouldn't kill him.
Casey: i'm glad to see you haven't gone too far over the edge.
Casey: we're done. for now.

Dunh dunh dunh….

Later that same afternoon (much abbreviated, somewhat rearranged, slightly edited)…
“No, I said I’d decided to let him live. He has symmetrical fins, which are artistically pleasing. Therefore I will let him live.” – Christy
“Yeah, and that’s the standard of living. Symmetrical fins. We let you live because you have symmetrical feet!” – Casey
“Do you want me to show you where the best shells are? Do you?” – Christy, referring to their upcoming vacation at Grandpa’s beach in New England.
“Well…. Yes.” – Casey
“All right then. Let’s just leave the fins alone.” – Christy
“Wow. This is going to be a hilarious vacation.” – Mom, chuckling in the background

“I’ve been meaning to commend you guys. I think we’re coming to a very special place—spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically…” – Mom to various workers on work habits.
“We’re still working on ‘grammatically’” – Laura, the proofer, mutters to herself.
::The Office bursts into laughter::

“I was deeply crushed.” – Laura on Word morphology.
“What’s ‘deeply crushed’? Would that be ‘flattened?’” – Mom
“I think it’s flattened and made convex too.” – Laura
“I was ‘convexed.’” – Mom

“To me, this is haunting.” – Alex, thoughtfully, listening to My Heart Will Go On by the Vienna Boys Choir

“And this boy is supposed to get married [someday]?” – Alex on the boy soloist who sings My Heart Will Go On for the Vienna Boys Choir