We Laughed Until We Cried

There's a new country song out by that name. Whenever I hear it, I think "I know something about that."

It was today, listening to Danya sing "If I Had a Million Dollars" in his funny soprano.

It was yesterday, when we all crowded round Danya's computer for afternoon break to watch "Star Wars According to a Three-Year-Old"

It was last month, and the three months before that, and the year before that, of grim determination mixed with tears mixed with exhaustion mixed with laughter, laughter, laughter. I thank Mama for it; it was she who taught us "When I have to laugh or cry, I prefer to laugh."

What centuries I have lived through in the last two and a half years! What lives I have glimpsed! What words I have read! And what brilliant, selfless, godly people I have worked beside, laughed and cried and ached and worshipped with, in that time! Beside them, I am nothing---I lack all wisdom and humility.

Recently I lifted up my head and all suddenly thought, "The Redesign project will be over in another year and a half." I realized that I do not want it to end so soon.

Lately I have been discouraged. For a month past I have fought the feeling that all my efforts are no use and that I can only fail, because I really know so little about how to do what I am trying to do. But thanks be to God, He has been reminding me of the joy that I have had in this work, and that, after all, it wasn't my choice. It was His. If this is how He wants to use me, who am I to say "What are you doing?"

Farewell, weariness. I don't know you. Welcome, joy!---a thousand times welcome back to my heart! I have missed you, sky-lark of my soul. What Father's love do you bring me? What passionate adoration have you come to kindle in me? What juice of the fruits of the Tree of Life have you brought in the diamond bottle hanging from your neck?

Ah, beloved reader, I was never happy til I knew what love was, and I am never unhappy til I forget it. But though I fall into nightmares time and time again, always He wakens me with singing, and I recognize His greeting again. Do you know what that greeting is? It is beauty, my dear, and the heart of it is truth, and the effect of it is goodness, and the radiance of it is what I breathe to myself when I say "joy!"

April! Happy month! Be all the more silver-golden, green lady, for my joy. Teach the trees to dance the gladness of my heart, and I'll give thee thanks for it---for my heart must speak by any and all means. Beautiful world, I have a secret. Can you guess?

He loves me.

And that being so, I live between laughter and tears of joy.