The Office: Season 9 --- "No Branchaws Were Harmed* During the Making of This Quote Book"
“WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? You said ‘That's irrelevant.’ DID YOU CALL ME AN ELEPHANT?!" – Ray
“Well, we really do call you ‘ray of sunshine’” – Christy
“The Alcoholic Yap-Yemens…” – Juli on a fictional band
“Yeah, that was Juli's band. She played lead zither. Lead ELECTRIC zither.” – Ray continuing the fictitious account of Juli’s band
“RAY! You promised not to tell!!” – Juli
“Ha! I know the universe was governed by orderly principles! I said to Casey when I was clipping my nails on Saturday night, ‘Just you wait, someone will offer me an orange tomorrow.’ Then nothing happened on Sunday and I was worried, but now here it is Monday and you offer me an orange! I knew it! Oranges follow fingernails!” – David, ranting
“Well, you’re gonna shoot me… but I think…” – Mom
“I have never yet shot you in my life.” – David
“I saluted you on Facebook and said welcome home.” – Christy to Sam
“I appreciate that.” – Sam
“Sure you do. Now. But just wait until we've worn down your nerves and broken your will to survive.” - Christy
“Thanks for waiting for permission.” – Christy, with mild sarcasm
“Hey, no problem. That's what I'm here for.” – Sam
“You're a problem child and you're here for my sanctification.” – Christy
“Hey, we all need one [problem child] … or three or four.” – Sam
“You know what I just realized? An asterisk can make any sentence sketchy. Take ‘No animals were harmed during the making of this picture.’ You put an asterisk after any one of those words and you get some really interesting clarifications." – David
“Or how about ‘I love you*’" – Sam
“Or ‘I love* you’" – David
“Or 'It's a boy!*’" – Sam
“Yeah.” – David
“This would be a concerning IM for anyone who stumbled upon it.” – Sam
“That's why we keep these things confidential” – David
“Unless we put them in the quote book… which I may or may not have already done” – Sam
“I think you mean, "that's why we keep these things confidential*..." – David
"Possibly the most fun thing to say is 'I got a graduation invitation from the paparazzi's chihuahuas.' No really, say it out loud." –David
“Correlate! That’s the word I wanted this morning.” – Christy
“You were actually saying that this morning.” – Sam
“I was? Oh, my lost sanity.” – Christy
“It’s actually overrated.” – Sam
“So, what’s the ghost doing over there?” – Christy, referring to Ben’s non-corporeal manipulation of one of the computers
“You are not ‘ruggedly handsome.’ You can be handsome in a Greek mythology kind of way, if you absolutely insist, but not ruggedly so.” – Christy to Sam
“Aw, I think Sam has boyish charm!” – Brittainy
“Water?” – Christy
“No thanks.” – Sam
“Never let it be said that I didn’t try to hydrate you.” – Christy
“I’ll remember that when I’m passing out… either that or I’ll just choose to spread vicious rumors.” – Sam
“You know, a purity pillow. It’s a pillow that you put between a guy and a girl when they’re sitting together on a couch.” – Sam
“Tell her that this whole wedding thing is overrated and she should come back,” – Sam to Christy about Brittainy
“Tell him ‘you'll understand one day’ in the most patronizing voice you can muster.” – Brittainy to Christy about Sam
“Maybe I should just let the two of you talk...” – Christy
‘Probably...sometime after I'm married.” – Brittainy
“Okay, dear. We’ll do that.” - Christy
“No, Sam. We can’t take the Tapestry logo off. That is a Tapestry-bearing map. Just like we are created to bear God’s image, that map is created to bear Tapestry’s image.” – David
“Why is the ghost playing with a dead mouse?” – Sam, referring to Ben
“David! Please kill Sam! He just called me a twit.” – Christy
“I don’t think this quite merits death. Maybe I could break a leg. Or twist his arm.”
“Arm-twisting would do.” – Christy
“Sam, is there a good time for arm-twisting in your schedule?” – David
“Umm… how about at 5:30 PM when I’m going crazy wanting to get home?” – Sam
“Okay. I’ll note it down in my date book. If that doesn’t work, we could just do lunch.” – David
“David!” – Christy
“Are you batting you eyelashes at me?” – Christy to Sam
“No, it’s more of a blinking and staring kind of thing.” – Sam to Christy
“The lark’s on the wing, the snail’s on the thorn, God’s in His heaven, all’s right with the world…. except you…” – Christy to Sam
“I’m here to be annoying and to remind you that the world is fallen.” – Sam to Christy
“Thanks for that.” – Christy
“Okay, now I need to find an amazing, amazing stock picture of bunny slippers. There are times when my job is wonderful.” – David, with complete sincerity.
“Well, we really do call you ‘ray of sunshine’” – Christy
“The Alcoholic Yap-Yemens…” – Juli on a fictional band
“Yeah, that was Juli's band. She played lead zither. Lead ELECTRIC zither.” – Ray continuing the fictitious account of Juli’s band
“RAY! You promised not to tell!!” – Juli
“Ha! I know the universe was governed by orderly principles! I said to Casey when I was clipping my nails on Saturday night, ‘Just you wait, someone will offer me an orange tomorrow.’ Then nothing happened on Sunday and I was worried, but now here it is Monday and you offer me an orange! I knew it! Oranges follow fingernails!” – David, ranting
“Well, you’re gonna shoot me… but I think…” – Mom
“I have never yet shot you in my life.” – David
“I saluted you on Facebook and said welcome home.” – Christy to Sam
“I appreciate that.” – Sam
“Sure you do. Now. But just wait until we've worn down your nerves and broken your will to survive.” - Christy
“Thanks for waiting for permission.” – Christy, with mild sarcasm
“Hey, no problem. That's what I'm here for.” – Sam
“You're a problem child and you're here for my sanctification.” – Christy
“Hey, we all need one [problem child] … or three or four.” – Sam
“You know what I just realized? An asterisk can make any sentence sketchy. Take ‘No animals were harmed during the making of this picture.’ You put an asterisk after any one of those words and you get some really interesting clarifications." – David
“Or how about ‘I love you*’" – Sam
“Or ‘I love* you’" – David
“Or 'It's a boy!*’" – Sam
“Yeah.” – David
“This would be a concerning IM for anyone who stumbled upon it.” – Sam
“That's why we keep these things confidential” – David
“Unless we put them in the quote book… which I may or may not have already done” – Sam
“I think you mean, "that's why we keep these things confidential*..." – David
"Possibly the most fun thing to say is 'I got a graduation invitation from the paparazzi's chihuahuas.' No really, say it out loud." –David
“Correlate! That’s the word I wanted this morning.” – Christy
“You were actually saying that this morning.” – Sam
“I was? Oh, my lost sanity.” – Christy
“It’s actually overrated.” – Sam
“So, what’s the ghost doing over there?” – Christy, referring to Ben’s non-corporeal manipulation of one of the computers
“You are not ‘ruggedly handsome.’ You can be handsome in a Greek mythology kind of way, if you absolutely insist, but not ruggedly so.” – Christy to Sam
“Aw, I think Sam has boyish charm!” – Brittainy
“Water?” – Christy
“No thanks.” – Sam
“Never let it be said that I didn’t try to hydrate you.” – Christy
“I’ll remember that when I’m passing out… either that or I’ll just choose to spread vicious rumors.” – Sam
“You know, a purity pillow. It’s a pillow that you put between a guy and a girl when they’re sitting together on a couch.” – Sam
“Tell her that this whole wedding thing is overrated and she should come back,” – Sam to Christy about Brittainy
“Tell him ‘you'll understand one day’ in the most patronizing voice you can muster.” – Brittainy to Christy about Sam
“Maybe I should just let the two of you talk...” – Christy
‘Probably...sometime after I'm married.” – Brittainy
“Okay, dear. We’ll do that.” - Christy
“No, Sam. We can’t take the Tapestry logo off. That is a Tapestry-bearing map. Just like we are created to bear God’s image, that map is created to bear Tapestry’s image.” – David
“Why is the ghost playing with a dead mouse?” – Sam, referring to Ben
“David! Please kill Sam! He just called me a twit.” – Christy
“I don’t think this quite merits death. Maybe I could break a leg. Or twist his arm.”
“Arm-twisting would do.” – Christy
“Sam, is there a good time for arm-twisting in your schedule?” – David
“Umm… how about at 5:30 PM when I’m going crazy wanting to get home?” – Sam
“Okay. I’ll note it down in my date book. If that doesn’t work, we could just do lunch.” – David
“David!” – Christy
“Are you batting you eyelashes at me?” – Christy to Sam
“No, it’s more of a blinking and staring kind of thing.” – Sam to Christy
“The lark’s on the wing, the snail’s on the thorn, God’s in His heaven, all’s right with the world…. except you…” – Christy to Sam
“I’m here to be annoying and to remind you that the world is fallen.” – Sam to Christy
“Thanks for that.” – Christy
“Okay, now I need to find an amazing, amazing stock picture of bunny slippers. There are times when my job is wonderful.” – David, with complete sincerity.
posted by Praelucor at 1:46 PM
2 Comments:
Sam got the "It's a boy" quip from Demetri Martin's "Things you shouldn't say 'Maybe' after" list.
Ben is the ghost, I take it? ::amused::
We have some remote reviewers at my job... we call them "the remotes," which sounds to me like something floating and out to get Princess Leia. I'll have to mention ghosts to my Fearless Leader. :-)
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