Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Office: Season 9 --- "It's Because of the Economy"

“Don’t say we were ‘cute.’ Our delicate egos can’t take it.” – David to Christy about himself and Sam

“Okay, math is now officially voodoo.” – Mom, recounting some happy but puzzling news from the company bookkeeper.

“At three o’clock the cone of silence will descend…” – Mom
“Well then, I guess I’d better get out my night terrors now. Aaaaauugh! Aaaaauugh!!” – David

“Why, David, why?” – Christy
“Just to toy with you.” – David
“And to think they used to tell me in college that women are capable of wrapping men around our little fingers. No wonder I didn’t believe them.” – Christy

“And who’s gonna care, anyway?” – Mom
“I am. With all my heart and kidneys… and passion.” – David
“Yeah. Sure.” – Mom
“I’m a carer. I care!” – David

"Possibly the most fun thing to say is 'I got a graduation invitation
from the paparazzi's chihuahuas.' No really, say it out loud." - David

“Can you not tell me something bad right now?” – Mom to Dad about technology
“Oh! Oh, let me! Listen, Mom, I’ll tell you something not bad… All over the country right now, puppies are wriggling their little bottoms with joy and licking small children’s faces!” – David

“I thought you were a carer!” – Christy
“Nope, that was a lie.” – David

“And now David will come out and sing our theme song!” – David, trying to insert himself into Mom’s webinar

“Wait, why am I sitting here while the two girls are doing all the work?” – David
“Because you’re a dork.” – Mom

“Mom, my desk isn’t messy, is it?” – David
“Dave, it’s your desk, so it’s messy.” – Mom
“It’s creative!” – David

“Cursed fruit.” – Sam
“Cursed...?” – David
“As in, accursed.” – Sam
“What about it? I'll tell you what's cursed fruit, D-0, that's cursed fruit.” – David
“There's a kersplash for your accursed fruit.” – Sam
“Cursed fruit.” – David
“Fine, well my accursed fruit falls on A5.” – Sam
“Your fruit is cursed with the same curse as mine.” – David
“Curses.” – Sam
“Fruit.” – David
“I curse your fruit.” – Sam
“iFruit - your curse.” – David
“I refuse to respond to that. Oops, I just did. Cursed froot.” – Sam
“Victory tastes like froot loops. The uncursed kinds.” – David
“Are there uncursed froot loops?” – Sam
“I suppose they're all cursed with sugar, aren't they?” – David
“And red dye no. 40.” – Sam
“Cursed dye.” – David

"Christy, I'm invoking the book laws. Give it back, sweetie." - Dad
"Whimper." – Christy, mildly protesting
"Whimpering is beneath you, honey. The law does not recognize whimpering." - Dad
"Yes, Dad." - Christy, handing the book over
::pause::
“See, this is why I’ll never make a good flirt. Not only do I have the impression that it’s impossible to manipulate men, but also that it’s dishonorable to try.” – Christy to herself

“That is a blissed-out parrot.” – Mom, watching Charity scritch Pippin’s head

“I tried to type "no," and I wrote "bim" instead. I think I'm going to use "bim" for the rest of the day.” – David

“We ran out of cool characters [meaning font characters]. Other than you of course.” – Ray to Sam

“I am at present glaring darkly at a cheerful calendar on my screen. I got the emails [that you sent about it] and promptly deleted them, assuming that they were spam, that they were people masquerading as you (which often happens), and that you couldn't possibly intend to burden my life with a calendar tool, since you know that never in my life have calendar tools worked for me. Obviously, though, I was mistaken...” – Christy to Mom
Later…
“You know, I hate to admit it, but I'm beginning to like this [calendar tool].” – Christy

"Wait a minute... this lady is from Toledo, Washington. I thought Toledo was in Ohio?" – David
"Maybe there's two?" – Sarah
"NO, that's NOT good enough, Sarah! I want a BETTER answer!" – David
"Okay, there's a magical one on Mars?" – Sarah

“Aw, Ben! You went all collegiate on me! Zeitgeist? Good grief.” – Christy
“I know I've seen that word in our curriculum. Just don't ask me to find it.” – Ben
“You don't really expect high school students to follow you into German, do you?” – Christy
“It’s hardly German any more...” – Ben
“But come on... zeitgeist? I don't even know what that means! Except that it translates roughly to ‘spirit of the age’" – Christy
“Yeah, that's what it means.” – Ben
“Then why didn't you say ‘spirit of the age’?” – Christy
“Unwieldy. Also not sufficiently, um... what's the word...? Collegiate.” – Ben

“I'm just ornery that way.” – Ben
“At least you admit it. Just remember that whenever you do it, somebody (i.e. me) has to come along behind you and undo it. So please indulge your orneriness judiciously.” – Christy
“Yes, but I don't care, because I'm ornery. See how it all works out so nicely?” – Ben

“Curse the marketing gods... Oh. Wait. That would be David... Never mind.” – Christy
“Technically, David is not a god.” – Mom

“And why did I do that? Because I’m an idiot!” – Christy
“But you’re a nice idiot. Of all the idiots in the world, you are one of my favorites.” – David

“Except for being dumber than a box of hair, I’m a great programmer!” – Dad, wrestling with programming Beatrice

“See, when we were kids without money or the excuse of separate housing, we had to have the book laws to keep us from fighting over books. Now we just buy copies of our own if somebody else is reading the book we want.” – Christy to Dad

“It probably wouldn’t be a proper Christian response to say what I think about this…” – Dad
“It usually isn’t a proper Christian response to even use the words ‘Internet Explorer’…” – David

“Everybody needs somebody to holler and grouse at. Otherwise you just holler and grouse within yourself.” – David
“Do you holler and grouse at Casey?” – Christy
“No, at Dad. And you may holler and grouse at me.” – David
“But I don’t want to holler and grouse at anybody!” – Christy

“You realize that you’re shoving me headfirst into writing html here…” – Dad to David

“It doesn’t matter whether you’re born to ‘em or marry ‘em. Somerville men just spoil their girls like crazy.” – Christy

“I have three hours. Come to think of it, it takes about three hours to write a [literature class plan] topic.” – Christy
“I could do it in one second.” – David
“Yeah, right. Like I could design a webpage in one second.” – Christy
“No, really. Want me to show you?” – David
“No.” – Christy
“Yes you do.” – David
“No, I don’t.” – Christy
“Yes you do!” – David
“Go away.” – Christy
::David comes to Christy’s computer, brushes her aside, and writes “A topic” in her document::
“There! See?” – David
“You forgot the word ‘Literature.’ It’s a literature topic.” – Christy
“You just said ‘a topic.’ So there.” – David

“What is this obsession of yours with hearing a song through to its end?” – Christy
“But this is ‘All You Need Is Love’!” – David
“And all I need are my eardrums back. Or removed!” – Christy

“He ruffles you up and then he smoothes you down. That’s David.” – Christy
::slight pause::
“And he enjoys it.” – Christy
“Just a little bit.” – David

“Hi!” – Brittainy
“Hi! Is this about Week 23?” – Christy
“Um, yes…” – Brittainy
“In that case I plead the fifth.” – Christy

“All right, you insatiable menace to the populace… Here’s your Week 23.” – Christy to Ben

“She held a parrot over his head and threatened to make it poop on him because she disagreed with his graphic design techniques! This place is getting weirder all the time.” – Christy about Mom and David

“How’s Casey?” – Christy
“About the same. She’s adorable.” – David

“From now on, there’s a new reason for everything. Why does a kid have to go to bed? Because of the economy. Why do we have to eat our vegetables? Because of the economy.” – Dave

“You know, whenever I’m facing a situation like yours, such as when I’m running up this one hill every morning, I just say to myself, ‘this would be so much worse if I had a piranha in my pants.’” – David
“Is that supposed to be comforting?” – Christy
“You know that’s comforting. The absence of piranhas is always comforting.” – David

“Is it comforting to know that the cookies the Girl Scouts are selling don’t have piranhas in them? Yes! Clear logic. It’s not that hard, Chris—just try to keep up.” – David to Christy

“Regarding your google wave, it went over my head because of the economy.” – David to Dad

“This is a very weird corporate culture that we’ve developed here, Dad…” – David
“It’s because of the economy, Dave.” – Dad

“Peter said it’s not that I didn’t have a life before Frederick; it’s just that my life before Frederick doesn’t matter.” – Christy
“I’m going to smite him with a terrible smiting. How dare he! Where does he get off?” – David
“He got off at Frederick.” – Dad
“But here’s the thing, life before Frederick includes David. So it does matter.” – Christy

“Postmodernist! Postmodernist!” – David to Christy

“Oh no you don’t. I have a full jar of peanut butter over here!” – David
“And you’re not afraid to use it?” – Christy
“No, I didn’t say that. If I said that, I feel like the threat would be cliché and therefore not meaningful. Whereas if I just say ‘I have a jar of peanut butter,’ you wonder what I plan to do with it. Imagination is nine tenths of a threat. Take it from an older brother.” – David

“If you misquote me not to my liking, I’ll play ‘All You Need Is Love’ again.” – David to Christy
“Dave, I don’t think you left me any room to be imaginative with that threat.” – Christy

“What got you off on a Beatles kick this afternoon? What have we done to deserve this?” – Christy
“You were very, very good.” – David
“I mean, come on! ‘I wanna hold your hand’? I don’t want to hold their hand!” – Christy
“Christy, blaspheme not the aspidistra.” – David, quoting a well-known (to us) line from Busman’s Honeymoon

“Fine. I’ll collect the pieces of my broken heart and play ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ instead” – David

“Woe to me, musical martyr that I am!” – David

4 Comments:

Blogger Sam B. said...

Now I just know I emailed you far more of these during the last summer....

5:20 PM  
Blogger Praelucor said...

I know! I got them and I could have sworn I put them in my quote list, but when I went back today to look, they weren't there. Kel bummer! :-/

9:57 PM  
Anonymous Maple said...

"We can't go out because of the weather..."

"He had such a temperature!"

It's the same way people use "the economy" nowadays. Not even bothering to distinguish whether it's good or bad anymore.

11:31 AM  
Blogger Pinon Coffee said...

Wow. Oh, wow. I read nearly all of these aloud to J. and just about died laughing... :-D

10:16 AM  

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